Tuesday, 19 December 2006

Aston Villa Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Despite promising to be a winner, a dark cloud is looming concerning
discord on the set. Mourinho's demands are putting the production team
under great stress, and the usual plush trailer accommodation has been
refused by a screaming Mourinho as being "fKn faeces", and has been
replaced with a traditionally-constructed Roman Villa complete with mosaic
depictions of his triumphs over the Mancunii, Arsenii and Scousorix
tribes and hypercaust underfloor heating fuelled entirely by the heat
generated by a raging, title-less Alexus Maximus Fergusonius.

We caught up with the newly re-crowned Emperor Mourinho at his
residence during a break in shooting, and were ushered grovelling into his
exalted presence. He was languishing on his chaise-longue, clearly
exhausted after his latest Bacchanalian orgy, and his toga was strategically
parted to enable kneeling football hobbit Joe Cole to administer
enthusiastic and skilful fellatio.

He dismissed any rumours that his demands were unreasonable screaming,
"What the fk!? Nobody questions me, nobody I tell you. I'll have their
bunch fed to the reserve team for this."

Suicide Bomber Banned from BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Why was Marons post banned ?
Suicide bomber decimates London New 606
Format destroyed, one dead
The BBC was this morning the victim of a devastating suicide bomb
attack. Police suspect the motivation behind the attack was that the
station's New 606 was past its sell-by date and highly irritating to football
lovers across the country.

Eye witnesses say that a young white man — yes that’s white — entered
the building disguised in Burberry's and a flap-cap. He then infiltrated
the place “where the New 606 happens” and set off the device. One Host,
Sarah Nixon, unfortunately survived, however the other — Crust
Rattlesnake — was killed outright.

First in line to pay his respects about the awful, terrible tragedy was
Tony Blair. “I just can’t express in words how truly sorry I am for
this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted
to be a moderator. I was known to the moddinging world as Mod TB and
Crust Rattlesnake was a great inspiration to me. The loss of the MOD
Crust will be an unmatched loss to the world”
Brown was quick to jump on the bandwagon: “In this time of tragedy…”
Unfortunately for him he was quickly ignored as the press rushed off at
the news that Mourinho was about to make a statement.

Mod Sarah “space-hopper” Nixon, who survived the blast, had this to say
from her hospital bed: “We’d just finished modding Smilingbluegirl when
in burst this maniac saying things I can’t repeat here — awful things.
And then he just blew himself up”. Fortunately, The BBC has managed to
get a copy of the broadcast and has found that amongst other things the
maniac called Sarah Nixon a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged
that she sexually abused farmyard animals.

Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street,
Barnet, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are calling on
journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth. The BBC spoke
to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who told their snail paced response
team: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time
with the explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of
course if I’d known that New 606 bothered him that much I would have
just logged out.” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always
did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his
brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother.

Later in the day it was revealed that Duncan had left a video diary. In
it he says “Their format is just so irritating. I’m doing the world a
favour. I mean why do people want to watch New 606 posts for ten years
of their life and then for the rest of their life just watch the same
dribble "This post is awaiting moderation" over and over again? I swear
they only have about 15 posts anyway.” New 606 later refuted this
allegation a spokesman said: “I’m sure we’ve got a few more at the back of
the cupboard censored somewhere.”
The BBC has announced that in memory of the dead Moderator they will be
blogging a moment of silence continuously for the next three months.
They urged viewers to log in to pay their respects.

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Suicide Bomber Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Suicide bomber decimates London New 606
Format destroyed, one dead
The BBC was this morning the victim of a devastating suicide bomb
attack. Police suspect the motivation behind the attack was that the
station's New 606 was past its sell-by date and highly irritating to football
lovers across the country.

Eye witnesses say that a young white man — yes that’s white — entered
the building disguised in Burberry's and a flap-cap. He then infiltrated
the place “where the New 606 happens” and set off the device. One Host,
Sarah Nixon, unfortunately survived, however the other — Crust
Rattlesnake — was killed outright.

First in line to pay his respects about the awful, terrible tragedy was
Tony Blair. “I just can’t express in words how truly sorry I am for
this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted
to be a moderator. I was known to the moddinging world as Mod TB and
Crust Rattlesnake was a great inspiration to me. The loss of the MOD
Crust will be an unmatched loss to the world”
Brown was quick to jump on the bandwagon: “In this time of tragedy…”
Unfortunately for him he was quickly ignored as the press rushed off at
the news that Mourinho was about to make a statement.

Mod Sarah “space-hopper” Nixon, who survived the blast, had this to say
from her hospital bed: “We’d just finished modding Smilingbluegirl when
in burst this maniac saying things I can’t repeat here — awful things.
And then he just blew himself up”. Fortunately, The BBC has managed to
get a copy of the broadcast and has found that amongst other things the
maniac called Sarah Nixon a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged
that she sexually abused farmyard animals.

Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street,
Barnet, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are calling on
journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth. The BBC spoke
to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who told their snail paced response
team: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time
with the explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of
course if I’d known that New 606 bothered him that much I would have
just logged out.” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always
did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his
brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother.

Later in the day it was revealed that Duncan had left a video diary. In
it he says “Their format is just so irritating. I’m doing the world a
favour. I mean why do people want to watch New 606 posts for ten years
of their life and then for the rest of their life just watch the same
dribble "This post is awaiting moderation" over and over again? I swear
they only have about 15 posts anyway.” New 606 later refuted this
allegation a spokesman said: “I’m sure we’ve got a few more at the back of
the cupboard censored somewhere.”
The BBC has announced that in memory of the dead Moderator they will be
blogging a moment of silence continuously for the next three months.
They urged viewers to log in to pay their respects.

Funny Accents Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

New 606 circus discovers people who write with funny accents
606 sporthost's ironic UK holiday provides new textover possibilities

The UK media industry, based exclusively within Greater London, is on
the cusp of a linguistic revolution, we can reveal.

Following a series of successful test programmes featuring a man from
"Wales" reading the news and a young gentleman from the city of
"Newcastle" as a narrator, BBC sporthosts have decided to allow more people who
speak funny onto our 606 computer screens.

The dramatic change will bring mainstream media in line with the more
culturally aware media programmes such as drama, which have enjoyed the
ironic nature and peculiar philosophy of those that live above the
Watford Gap for many years now.

"I have already signed one man from Liverpool, where the football club
is," one producer confided. "He sounds just like John Lennon used to
talk, which is great because we're planning a 60s season from the

"I've got one from Scotland," another excitedly explained. "It's either
Glaswegian or from Edinburgh. I can't understand a word it says, but
then that's all the rage with this new approach to inclusive

The startling trend is believed to have stemmed from BBC Messageboard
host Chris Russell, who, taking an ironic holiday in Britain in 2006,
came across an enormous number of people who were able to communicate
with each other but did so in a most peculiar manner.

Sporting a black poloneck and light-grey sports jacket, Russell said
"However, I soon realised they were talking English but in a funny
accent. I was appalled at the time but I later realised the untapped
potential for using these people to appeal to their own kind."

Since that dream, Russell has faced an enormous amount of criticism
from within the media concerned about "dumbing-down" and the continued
inclusion of non-Oxbridge candidates in the industry, but has ultimately

However, while people with "regional accents" — as they have become
known — are now allowed on the screen,New BBC 606 bosses told us there are
no plans to move the industry itself out of London. "Can you imagine
what would happen?" one asked rhetorically. "I mean, we've got one or two
spots in Manchester and Nottingham because it's cheaper up there, but
can you seriously imagine people from outside London making decisions
about what programmes appear on our screen? It would all be about pigeons
or rap music or working-class football players — and all without a drop
of condescension."

Barstewards Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

John Motson salutes Hull City AFC
'Refreshingly friendly tone and spirit of camaraderie'
Hull City AFC, who hit the headlines for the first time ever due to the
disgracefully insensitive behaviour of their supporters last weekend,
were once again involved in amazing scenes on Saturday. A large
travelling contingent made the trip to Molineux down the M62, M18, M1, M42, M6,
M54 and A449 to watch their side take on Wolves able-bodied,
God-fearing men. Amidst calls for their supporters to be barred from all away
grounds save Millwall's New Den, Hull manager Peter Taylor had pleaded for
calm and an opportunity for cooler heads to prevail. In the end, even
he could not have claimed to have expected to witness what took place on
Saturday at Molineux.

"I've never experienced anything like that in all my years involved in
football," said Wolves captain and great-great-grandfather Alan Hansen.
BBC pundit and professional facial hair expert Mark Lawrenson
continued: "We all expected the Wolves support to have a real go at the Hull
fans but they simply had the wind knocked out of their sails and didn't
know how to react." With the majority of the Hull end full two hours
before kick-off, bemused Wolves supporters arrived to chants of: "Would you
like to take our sisters out for drinks?" and "Please consider coming
to visit Humberside, it's such a lovely place and we'd love to see you,
you can all stay round ours" to the tune of Coldplay's weepy In My

Shocked onlookers included Frank Skinner — a confessed West Bromwich
Albion supporter — "When I realised there might be BBC television crews
at Molineux I simply couldn't resist coming to prove what a regular chap
I am," said the comic whose other half is swarthy David Baddiel. "The
noise the Hull support made along with the refreshingly friendly tone
and spirit of camaraderie certainly took some of the edge off the sound
kicking I was receiving off the good people of Wolverhampton," dribbled

Hulls former midfielder Nick "Nicky" Barmby, who was once a good
footballer, said he was not surprised by the reaction of his home town
supporters. "I'm not surprised by the reaction of my home town supporters."
Barmby said. "Hull AFC has the best supporters in the world," he beamed,
showing a good eye for a footballing cliché. "Last week was such an
anomaly and was a result of a Huddersfield Town firm getting past the
stewards at The Kingston Communications Stadium," he concluded, helpfully.

Hull AFC Inter-City Firm Chairwoman Gladys Pipplebottom, hoarse from
singing herself silly in support of her side remarked: "It was important
we put Hull back on the map. It's such a lovely, scenic place with so
much opportunity for young people and a tremendous history of culture
and The Arts," said the octogenarian Mother's Union representative for
Humberside and volunteer fire-fighter. "The people of Hull are some of
the warmest, funniest, most hospitable folk you will ever meet and it was
such a shame a few bad apples ruined the day for the vast majority,"
said Pipplebottom while knitting a stripy jumper for her new
granddaughter. "I have already spoken to the rest of the Hull AFC Inter-City Firm
and we're booked to go to Huddersfield on the train to kick f-c*k out of
the c-n*ts. The way we've planned it we can stop over in Leeds en route
and bash f-c*k out of those f-c*king barstewards too."

Righteouf Fquire Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

'The Righteouf Fquire Rascal of Charlef' there is an interesting
account of a local nobleman who sold judgements on outsiders who frequented
the villa. Squire Rascal was known, somewhat affectionately in the villa
of Monmuthe as the 'jug-earede cunte', or the 'fatte baftard of Avon'.
He had something of a reputation for sending outsiders back to Viking
held territory where anyone with black hair would be put to death with
red hot pokers. This passage here is quite explicit...

"'Ye outfidere folk cried do not put upon uf ye red hot pokerf, which
scorch and blifter our anufef.(red card) But ye jug-eared cunte, Fquire
Ruffel hearde non of it and even ignoring hif own adviferf of ye
Foreign Hall of the Council, did fend all ye outfideref back to have ye red
hot pokerf(red card) thruft up their anufef. And all ye while ye ferrety
Viking King Robertffon did laff hif goolief off'."

Big Brother Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

ID card vote on New BBC 606 is victory for democracy and the British
way of life
We salute Chris Russels's campaign for a safer, nicer Board

It is with great pleasure then that we celebrate last week's historic
victory in which Chris Russell scraped a 31-vote majority in the face of
a shameful back-bench revolt which looked at one point to be about to
open the floodgates to millions of swan-roasting, dole-scrounging chavs
and scousers hell bent on bringing Albion to its knees.

Mercifully, it now seems that we will soon be able to sleep sounder in
our beds thanks to New BBC 606's relentless campaign to secure another
1000 years of democracy. And for those who think that a couple of quid
is too much to pay for the kind of peace of mind only an identity card
and TV licence can bring, we asked clairvoyant How Tenji to don his
gypsy rags, polish his enormous glass balls and provide some evidence that
only those with something to hide have anything to fear from Chris
Russel and New BBC 606.

The following is Tenji's premonition of an average Thursday afternoon
in his own life when the last citizens of this great nation not carrying
a shiny new ID card and Tv licence are a few dozen malodorous crusties
leading dogs on string and hanging around Scottish hotels whining about
world poverty. Read on:

[Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...]

How Tenji: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using
your new identity card?
HT: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Mr. Tenji... Is
this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
HT: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jaysus that wasn't
cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August
— that's something to look forward to. Bloody hell, that Magistrate
really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership
of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or
HT: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
HT: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
HT: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One
HT: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in
Liverpool at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for
you there mate. Try the Switch card.
HT: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction.
Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you
going to pay that too?
HT: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two
weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good
HT: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out
of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due
out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.

Tesco checkout
How Tenji: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any
current health problems?
HT: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
HT: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
HT: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that
wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats
that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around,
though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of How Tenji's
hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop,
accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not
keen on Communists?
HT: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic
predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I
understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

At the Bank
How Tenji: Hello, I’d like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
HT: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while
ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it
will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
HT: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right… Mr Tenji… How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
HT: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
HT: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us
but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm...
Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your
Barclaycard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the television licence
a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a
very good risk to me, sir.
HT: Hang on. The Capital One Card is nothing to do with me. That's some
bloke buying DVD players in Liverpool.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, sir.
HT: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
HT: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid
off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
HT: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this
morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
HT: Every bogger else seems to know about it; why didn't Capital One do
BC: Steady sir, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go
round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh crikey, I
see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you
for misuse of your Capital One card. Would you like a quote for that?

Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]

Travelling salesman: Mr Tenji? I am Terry Venerables the local
distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Mr Tenji, I'm
Chris Russell of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our
records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd
just sign here I can offer you £5,000 right now at just 1,375,893
monthly repayments of £11.37.
Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we
have a word Mr Tenji? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post
Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member
of the Young Communist party and you have being posting scurrilous posts
on New BBC 606. I have to caution you that under section 12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll
all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Mr Tenji, those are clearing up
nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?

Mediawatch banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Government to ban Mediawatch
Unpixelated filth provokes proscription.
The Government has announced plans to ban Mediawatch after the BBC
aired graphic scenes of its members engaged in a highly inappropriate group
activity outside Television Centre on Saturday night. Members of
Mediawatch were pictured shamelessly professing their faith in an omnipotent
chritian god who “loves mankind”.

As soon as the footage aired, the BBC was inundated with thousands of
complaints. One caller’s views were typical: “I had just sat down in
front of the TV with all of my family and suddenly the screen was filled
with this massive prrick. I think he said his name was John Beyer. There
was no warning and he wasn’t even pixelated. My grandmother could have
been watching, but thankfully she died several years ago.”

Mr Beyer, the director of Mediawatch, defended the event thus: “We live
in a free society. If these people don’t want to watch one of our
demonstrations why don’t they just do the logical thing and switch to
another channel. Haven’t they got anything better to do with their time than
sit around complaining? Jasus foc*king Chrrist!”

However, as the number of complaints climbed to over a million, a
spokesman for the communications regulator Ofcom announced that it would be
taking action after seeing a copy of Mediawatch’s membership list:
“This document is utterly obscene. I’ve never seen anything like it: just
pages and pages of can*ts and as for the committee, it’s just a
collection of mother-foc*kers. I can’t see any justification for there being
that number of can*ts in one place so we have no option but to recommend
that the organisation be closed down.”

Last night, as the BBC logged its ten billionth complaint (from a
tribesman in the Amazonian jungle) Mediawatch remained defiant. An upbeat Mr
Beyer told The Rockall Times: “We shall fight on. You cannot silence
us. If I get my way we’re going to be on New BBC 606 quite a lot in the
next few weeks and in October we plan to open on Broadway. See you

Al-Jazeera Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Al-Jazeera 606 run by Saddam's spies
Documents reveal Arab TV station nothing more than tyrant's lackeys

Arab news channel Al-Jazeera was nothing but a front for Saddam
Hussein's evil spying network of murderers, new documents have revealed.

The devastating evidence proves what Western leaders have been saying
for years: that Al-Jazeera is nothing but lies and propaganda, that even
watching it is tantamount to treachery, and the only way to find out
the truth is to watch government briefings on the NEW BBC 606.

The documents — covering the period from 11 September 2000 to 9 April
2003 (the day Saddam's statue was pulled down in central Baghdad) —
indicates a possible contact between someone who may have been in Iraqi
intelligence and someone whose name is very similar to a man that worked
as a cleaner at the station.

"This damning level of infiltration into Al-Jazeera is simply
unbelievable," said one Western intelligence officer. "It is simply
inconceivable. My brain is beginning to hurt as we speak. But I'm not in the least
surprised. We now know that Saddam spent all the money he earnt from
selling weapons of mass destruction to terrorists on producing propaganda
and speading lies."

The cleaner, Mohammed Jif Ali-Pali, would have had access to the inner
workings of the TV channel in the evenings when everyone had gone home,
it was revealed. It is not difficult to see how, using coded messages
secreted inside Al-Jazeera 606 broomhandles and bin-liners, he could
have edited footage to make it look like Arabs in Afghanistan and Iraq
weren't happy about US troops liberating them. Pictures of dead innocent
Arabs were thought to have been mocked up during tea breaks in staff

Ali-Pali is also believed to have hacked into Al-Jazeera's computer
system with the full knowledge of the management and rewritten the next
day's news announcements to include lies and propaganda and dirty nasty
filth about the US and UK governments.

Despite listening to their own rewritten reports, Al-Jazeera
journalists didn't twig because their brains were so addled from hookah pipes,
prostitutes and Arab propaganda fed into their brains from the age of
two, one expert revealed.

A search of Ali-Pali's Sport host for Al-jazeera 606 by US special
forces at the weekend also revealed several containers of dangerous
chemicals, proof that he was also manufacturing biological weapons.

Incredibly, the documents also prove that Osama bin Laden was also in
control of the station and so Saddam must be best friends with Osama and
so war on Iraq was right all along, said professor of logical deduction
at Washingston State University, Ronald Dumsfeld.

The news that agents from intelligence services have attempted to
infiltrate news organisations has shocked media pundits worldwide. "I can't
believe it," said the former head of the CIA George Tenant. "We had one
over-riding rule here — never interfere with the democratic rights of
the media and freedom of speech. It just shows how low Saddam was
willing to go."

The same goes for the UK. "I am outraged. If there's one thing we won't
stand it is MI5 or MI6 agents working as sport journalists. The media
must be allowed to present information in whatever way it likes with any
interference from us. Now I must go, I've got 20 minutes of posts to
edit for the New 606 "

Hammers Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Hammers Transfers

This is how they became Wet Shams
Meanwhile in London, Chris Russell, pacing up and down outside his New
606 in open-fly readiness, saw a post and spurted the vast contents of
his outsize bladder high into the air, describing a golden arc from
Aldwych in the South to the Caledonian Road in the North, visible for
miles around, as screaming victims tumbled from the upper deck of the bus
above his head and floated downstream on the rising tide pouring from
the waterlogged pants of thousands of startled spectators, their urinary
tracts blissfully relaxed by discharging pint after pint of pent-up
pints down their sodden legs and into the swirling open urinal that was
New BBC 606.

eating, drinking, skiing, shagging Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

There are those who would claim that our beloved land is tonight under
the threat from a wave of Puritanism so virulent that it is nothing
short of a fatwa, or even a jihad, possibly. At the very least it's a mini
Crusade: a sort of long weekend break of a Holy War but without Richard
the Lionheart.

This crusade of which we speak is, of course, the increasing tendency
towards non-smoking, which — at its most fanatical — leans towards a
literal anti-smoking interpretation of non-smoking. Ireland has fallen,
the panic-mongers say, and it can only be a matter of time before beloved
Albion also succumbs to an age of darkness and despair.

Perhaps you are among those who are reduced to tears by the thought of
the smokeless celidh, the nicotine-free craic and the Dublin theme bar
deserted save a few disconsolate members of the Salvation Army, supping
white cranberry juice and half-heartedly shaking their tambourines.

Perhaps you are, but have you ever thought about the human cost of
smoking? The 5,000 innocent lives snuffed out each and every year by other
peoples' second-hand toxins?

The anti-smoking lobby tell us that one of these innocent souls dies in
agony every 11 minutes. We'll take their word for that if they take our
word that every 11.2 minutes someone, somewhere, is killed on a
bicycle. Co-incidence? We think not.

While we agree that the terrible human cost of smoking must be
addressed, we at the same time demand that all risks to our kiddies' futures be
treated equally seriously.

One fervent public health spokescrusader who we didn't actually contact
but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting loudly through
the letterbox confirmed that smoking-related diseases will in future be
treated at the smoker's own expense. That sounds fair enough to us. Why
should the non-smoker pay? After all, do smokers pay extra tax to
inflict their filthy habit on the rest of us? No.

Ask yourself this: Do kiddie-fiddlers get free board and lodging and
psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't. Making
fag addicts stump up in cash, in advance, for cancer treatment is
exactly the sort of hands-on, direct action that New Beeb 606 like. And while
we're about it, let's extend this punitive plan. Fat people would be a
good start. We know that the obese deliberately stuff themselves with
crisps, chips, chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas so that
they can get themselves a fast-track, heart-attack driven passport to
intensive care easy street. Let the fat barstewards pay for their own
coronary bypasses.

Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin men
like me a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't you fat, ugly women
stop filling your faces with fish suppers and get some bloody exercise? Or
try walking the rug-rats to school instead of driving them there in
your smelly, diesel MPVs? Better still, jog to school and smoke a couple
of fags on the way. That should shed a few pounds.

On the other hand, we were told that jogging can cause knee and ankle
problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious pavement pounders
should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves. Dangerous sports are
another area long overdue for legislation. Why should you or I pay for
a hip replacement for some rich stockbroker who's fallen base over apex
in a Piste-related accident in Klosters? According to a recent survey
conducted by the Fitter Britain Association, sports-related injuries
cost the UK £106,437,000 every year and result in roughly 129,437.28
hospital admissions every week. Js,s H. Chris. And they expect us to pay for

After kicking the sports fraternity into touch,with New Beeb 606, we
suggest the Government tackles the thorny problem of history. It's
criminally irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to appear
in books. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank
huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised.
And we call this a national hero? Is this any kind of example to be
setting our kids? No, it isn't, so it's out with the airbrush for Winnie and
enter stage right health-conscious Aryan Adolf Hitler. We can think of
no better example of responsible and considerate behaviour than the
slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian with his legendary love of animals.
His personal habits should be an example to us all and his life a
reminder of what a truly healthy lifestyle can achieve. Remember: Adolf
Hitler didn't smoke.

But perhaps the worst example of inconsiderate, self-destructive
behaviour that threatens the health of our nation is the increasing number of
middle-aged men suffering heart attacks during the monthly execution of
their conjugal rights. This must be looked at urgently. If it's not
distasteful enough the idea of lard-arsenil proto-wrinklies poking their
shrivelled wives, think about the poor paramedics who have to go in a
clear up the mess. And, once again, it's us who foot the bill.

Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue; the
skin cancer risk is simply too great. The list goes on, but to
summarise, just imagine this: a middle-aged fat bloke enjoying a drunken
post-coital cigar whilst skiing naked down a sun-kissed piste en route to a
tour of the lard factory. Had enough? Us too — it makes our blood boil.

Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our citizens
might run into some resistance, but we are confident that — just as the
appointment of a drugs "czar" several years back has practically wiped
out the use of illegal substances — persuading the nation to
voluntarily give up smoking, eating, drinking, skiing, sunbathing,chatting on
606, and sex should not prove insurmountable. Especially when backed by
legislation, fines and imprisonment. Forward with Britain.

This e-mail, and any attachment, is confidential. If you have received
it in error, please delete it from your system, do not use or disclose
the information in any way, and notify us immediately. The contents of
this message may contain personal views which are not the views of the
BBC, unless specifically stated.

Bisexuals Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Sutton's Law

Now, Tiara, remember Tiara our New Beeb 606 moderatoe, is prone to
bouts of over-excitement, as you all know. I can, however, only speculate
as to what exactly provoked her to suggest that this article would be
much improved by an Autumn supplement entitled "Water Sports: Golden
sand, Golden sun, Golden shower".

It was I believe provoked by todays revelation that North Yorkshire
Police spent more than £28,000 to refurbish a shower in the chief
constable's office. "Whether it is gold-plated or one that New Labour would
have been proud of I don't know, but the cost to the taxpayers is

Please don't misunderstand me — no person alive enjoys water more then
myself. Indeed, I usually shower seven or eight times a day, more at
weekends. And while I can fully appreciate the thrill that mounting a
jet-ski might give, as the beast between one's legs provokes a
shattering, water-borne climax, I cannot fathom as to how we might extend the
possibilites to a full
£28,000 worth.

As I expressed my doubts to Tiara, she became increasingly agitated. I
had, she insisted, completely missed the point. The debate became
increasingly acrimonious until, incredibly, a furious Tiara pulled down her
shorts and proceeded to urinate into an expensive Jasper Conran vase
while one of the moderators' apprentices lay licking his lips.

I hardly need add that Tiara has been sent home pending psychiatric
evaluation. And while I am prepared to admit a certain sympathy with some
peoples' love of the outdoor life, I must insist upon the following:
Water sports are deadly but she was simply explaining New Beeb 606
activities and the possibilities of a £28,000 shower.

I also recall previous revelations in a Sunday newspaper that golden
boy of English soccer David Beckham has been playing away with a feisty
Spanish-born golden shower.

I will never forget that manu fan"s words "I don't think I'll ever work
again," one visibly-shaken Manu fan said as he sat tearfully clutching
a picture of Posh and Becks atop two jewel-encrusted thrones on their
wedding day in 1999. "I'm on tablets from the doctor. It's me nerves,"
he explained, before breaking down entirely and blubbering
uncontrollably into a Manu replica shirt.

Beckham apparently engaged in a golden shower with Rebecca Loos, but
that one of her friends had sold graphic text conversations between the
pair to a UK tabloid. "He can't speak at the moment," one aide told us.
"He's already smashed up the flat and right now Nancy's holding him by
his feet while he tries to get out to play some football"

Goodbye 606 BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Goodbye 606 - by SNSUN

Doctor Who the fc*k you lookin' at?
As part of its ongoing effort to contemporize the revamped Doctor Who,
the BBC this morning unveiled the latest addition to the cast. The
Doctor's new galactic nemesis will be Chavros, a heinous genetic mongrel,
half dalek, half chav. "Everyone hates Chavs," said a BBC spokesman,
"and I can assure you that the Doctor gives this fc*ker a good pasting."
Plot details are scant, but it is understood that Chavros' reign of
terror on earth will involve unleashing a plague of Burberry caps,
hamburger "restaurants", dodgy benefit claims and teenage pregnancies. The old
catchphrase of "Exterminate" will be replaced with a stream of
profanity and random invitations to violence. No official word as yet, but
predictably enough on hearing he was to be replaced in the New 606, Davros
was reported to be "very very very angry".

Chelsea Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Villa declare - Axis of Evil 2 - Chelski.

Prior to the recent match with Barcelona it is believed every Cheski
fan was issued with a Blue Flag to wave and then the Oiligarch made the
following speech.

"I truly believe we will not stand, in this stand, I mean shed, in
which we have stood, alone. We will all stand in those shoes together with
those of our fore-fathers who knew how to stand up when the shoe needs
to be stood in. And I say that, with many convictions, because I have
spoken with the other leader Mourinho".
Aide whispers (Its a seated stadium)
" Correction, we will not sh...sit, in this stool...shed.. stand, in
which we have stooled..stood, shh....sit alone. We will all sh...sit in
those shoes together with those of our fore-fathers who know how to sh..
up sit down when the shoe needs to be stooled..sh..sat in.
I'll let you Cheskians into a little secret," Abramovich leaned forward
and whispered: "I am not really Russian. My name's Martin Taylor and I
used to sell electrical items on Camden market on a Saturday. All these
stories about Mr Abramovich and where my billions came from; Hitachis
and Toshibas off the back of a lorry"
Chelski fans salute "You are the chosen one. All Hail Abramovich "

Following this speech a leading Manchester United director was
interviewed on the matter.
"Chelski are atheistic football fundamentalists" he declared
"Their understanding of capital flows amongst derivative funds in
emerging football markets is limited.They are an evil Empire" He added.
When it was pointed out to him that the outrage of accepting tainted
money for Wayne Rooney would bring benefits, he countered. "True, but
that's society for you. Society, the media in particular, sided with the
Devil's minions and painted us to be the villains of the peace. But
consider carefully what I said at the time of our takeover, many christians
receiving money from the syndicate or Christians donating to Chelskis
would have been rightfully mortified to know that Chelski was receiving
diabolical money from blasphemous activities. I have a duty to point
out their error."
Under threat of intimidation, picketing and the possibility of being
shet upon by 40,000 Chelski fundamentalists in hob-nailed dirty football
boots new FA PC legislation would also prevent him from calling Chelski
Satanists. "Well, they are," he spat, leaving a shower of prawn coctail
crumbs all over the melamine table top. Demonic, I reminded him.
"Exactly. The festival of Diwali is a Satanic construct, you can read that on
my many yoo website ["Diwali — A Parent's Guide"]. There's no need for
me to repeat things here."
Abramovich when later interviewed, said he was sick of being portrayed
as part of the so-called back axle of evil. The Czar stroked his white
Russian doll as he spoke of his dismay at being labelled secretive and
power hungry. He went on to say he was merely shy and very
misunderstood. Only once when questioned about this, with a sudden outburst
dispensing with his Aide he said: "Can you no see I am patient man, but even
the patience of Saint will not last for ever.

The Emperor of Chelsea, Jose Mourninho, issued a proclomation,on the
traditional blue papyrus from the solid-gold throne from which he gives
his pre-match briefings while being fanned by naked West London slaves,
"The Pope has ordered that four "special envoys" from the Sicilian
church of St Corleone be sent to Chelsea immediately. After all Roman has
done for the Russian oil industry?When I speak to my mother she always
tells me: 'that man Roman he is a good boy, he has a duff way of
givining his money'. Millions of televisions viewers saw the reticent Roman
show his human side when he paid the hopeless Ranieri millions and
millions of pounds just to get rid of him. If you people dont like it , why
dont you got over to the other oil-rich london club on the planet Uranus
at the Emirates stadium."

"Furthermore on other Empire matters, His excellency has decided not to
carry out his threat to execute Frisk's family and we issue the
following warning to combatants suppositories are potentially deadly, anal
capsules are highly addictive, you can become hooked on them, for example,
some time before Mutu was fingered he was engaged in some form of
substance misuse, with a rectal rush provided by these evil things. Being a
family orientated club, we wish to set the highest possible example, as
the matter raised concerns that suppository abuse is becoming
widespread amongst the country's top Premiership stars, sophisticated "masking"
agents are being employed to avoid positive test results. We at Chelsea
conduct daily botty swabs to stamp this out. We believe however that on
the Planet Uranus, agents such as extra hot vindaloo curry and spicy
chilli fajitas are being consumed to throw authorities off the scent.
This has come to light after a session of putting my latest band!
of mercenary cohorts through attacking manoeuvres and defensive
tactics with Cashley Cole. I will further be randomly executing one in ten
of my merchandising staff for disappointing replica kit sales in the
first two months of the new season." When asked a question by a reporter
he replied "What the fk!? Nobody questions me, nobody I tell you. I'll
have your footballs fed to the reserve team for this, Goodnight Tehran"

Birmingham City Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

“Brucie, Brucie give us a wave

Last but not Least-Axis of Evil 3

An English football club who currently play in the Football League
Championship. Originally known as Small Heath Alliance , followed by Small
Heath in 1888, are the third and critical part of the Axis of Evil.
Built originally with resources from powder, broken agreements and then
pornography, they were cursed by a chav, pikey or gypsy as Satanic.

The club is nicknamed The Blues and the fans are known as Bluenoses or
noses, an early attempt to merchandise "Birmingham Blues Snuff" in the
1920's. This product and the ritual of snorting the powder left a
deposit over the middle of the face of the supporter.
Bluenoses are renowned for their singing of the song - "Keep Right On
To The End Of The Road". This harks back to the "Black Years", when fans
would march straight past the slagheap St. Andrews ground, to watch a
match from the Birmingham and District League being played in the fields
along Tilton Road.

In 100 years of football as one nose put it 'We won F.All so in May
2005, David Gold chairperson bought the second FA Cup trophy at auction
for £420,000 (£478,400 after fees), to have something for the trophy

After the tragedies at Hillsborough and Valley Parade, and the
subsequent issuing of the Taylor Report, the capacity at St Andrews dropped to
28,235. However, it became clear that it was time to completely
renovate the stadium in order to bring it into the twenty-first century.
Unfortunately though the ground is still in a terrible state, and looks like
a dump. This has led to it being known as "The Sty" by supporters. On
11 May 2006, club captain Kenny Cunningham launched a scathing attack in
the press on manager Steve Bruce and the board, blaming the club's
relegation on a lack of preparation throughout the season and likening the
club to a "stiff corpse" that has "no heartbeat and, more worringly, no

The Devil's Dictionary Pronouces - NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the
face. Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose
the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so
happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some
physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
There's a man with a Nose,
And wherever he goes
The people run from him and shout:
"No cotton have we
For our ears if so be
He blow that interminous snout!"

So the lawyers applied
For injunction. "Denied,"
Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion,
Whate'er it portend,
Appears to transcend
The bounds of this court's jurisdiction."
Arpad Singiny

Blue Noses - are not having too much fun in the contemporary football
scene, and so some question whether their riffs on stereotypes in life,
and football, is football. They have emerged as the Dumb and Dumber of
Europe's football fairs, swiping at the rarefied air with a provincial
Small Heath hatchet. They describe themselves as buffoons: lazy,
middle-aged, fat, and self-obsessed. Their low-tech football is not
performance football, they agree, but "hooligan improvisation." They grew up
with Marx as their hero - first name Groucho.

The art of Blue Noses can be perceived as acerbic and even political.
Their irreverent photo depicting Sullivan, Gold, also shown in an
alternative venue, was included in a criminal complaint against their
gallerist, Marat Guelman. "Is what we do football satire? all that fidgeting
with our groin while picking with our nose and dribbling, really
football ?" Steve Bruce repeats the question nosing skyward. "Steve has his
own ideas and explanations, however I'm sure we don't have anything to
say constructively. Our position is clear: We try to drink Coca Cola."
"When we came here to Birmingham, we appeared to be a closed and locked
society," he says. "We tried to act like we were from a village." This
was not difficult; small heath is a village.

Blue Noses have risen to the status of insiders in the nascent
contemporary football scene, partly because they are represented by the iconic
Birmingham name after breaking a gentleman's agreement with Villa. Blue
Noses are humorous and everyone can understand this..

"They are media clever and they are funny," said Igor Markin. One of a
handful of serious contemporary art collectors in Moscow, Markin has
bought two Blue Noses works - "The Era of Mercy," a photograph of two
small heath players kissing in a white birch forest, and "Che Guevera," a
photo of an alcoholic, aging revolutionary. "Not everyone gets Blue
Noses, because they make football that is a joke. This is the problem
really. But I see the deepness in the work."
A traditional Blue nose started each day by eating a poor person for
breakfast, served to him by a stable of butlers and attendants. Before
his round of morning football (in which the head of a homeless man is
used for a ball), he spends a half hour in the Blue Nose Family room,
where he and his father reaffirm their ancestral connection to blue-blooded
types, who either owned slaves or coveted them. If you are worried that
noses might try and bring back slavery, we will do absolutely nothing
to allay your fears. A nose recently paid an exorbitant sum for a colon
operation that made his gas smell like daisies. When asked a difficult
question by a reporter, he will silently break wind and ask, "My gosh.
Do you smell daisies?" as a diversion. Its a typical case of the stiff
upper nose as opposed to the stiff upper lip, its a Nose erection.

Unless you're rocking in a straight-back chair,
You scratch your head attempting to relate
To Cyrano's restraint. Who's not aware
These days that plastic surgery's cut-rate?
No need for noses to protuberate
Like perches for the birds that come to sing,
Or blue cucumbers, say, or anything
Like razor-cases or portfolios.
Just whack 'em back to where they're ravishing.
Ah! Whose nose plucks your heartstrings? Cyrano's!

Its all football evolution, the ball remains round, a substantial
percentage of our creative talent will also have credits that might make a
few blue noses sniff? Will they censor them as well? And are those blue
noses really afraid for the kids, as they so often claim? I sometimes
suspect that these contretemps boil down to the urge to deny fresh air
to those we disagree with. Children provide nice cover for that impulse.

Ce geste de désacralisation, délibérément iconoclaste, introduit
parfaitement à la démarche railleuse des Blue Noses, où la mise en rapport
fracassante de diverses références culturelles et politiques avec la
trivialité de l'univers domestique et quotidien, le dispute à l'attaque en
règle des emblèmes du pouvoir et de la modernité artistique sur le ton
de la farce.

The blue nose is the work of generations. The civil rights movement
didn't become mediagenic until the 1960s. Women only gained a modest
degree of physical autonomy in the 70s. Neither of those were slumbering
before that. The paranoid, blue nose, bigoted security state is the norm
for governance. All blue nose male dominated pyramid hierarches tend in
that direction. Brian Clough in heaven would tell you, ask Martin
O'Neill. Its called a safe pair of hands or mums the word in F.All circles.

Meanwhile it is reported that after a failed takeover bid elsewhere
there are moves at the sty, the Prince of darkness found himself
unexpectedly gazumped thanks to unscrupulous property developers and bent estate

"For the love of all that's Holy, how can they get away with sh.. like
this in this day and age?" raged the Lord of the Flies. Indeed, Satan
had an offer accepted on the larger, more versatile Heaven in September,
only to find that a higher offer had subsequently been accepted from
another emissary of Heaven. In addition, when he read a copy of the
lease, Mephistopheles found that the estate agents had been "creative" in
their decription of the extent of the property and infernal facilities

"It's just plain wrong. Hell's supposed to be crowded, but it's getting
ridiculous. You try finding a decent-sized property with a lake of fire
at today's prices," lamented the cloven-hooved fallen angel. "I've
pssed a few grand up the wall in solicitors' fees and valuations and now I
have to start again from scratch with the noses but I will be at home
there. They're just scum, the lot of them."

Gascoigne Censored by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,


"Disney World in Florida is my favourite place. I phonetically phuking
love Mickey Mouse and every time I see the Cinderella Castle it's my
dream, it really is. I would love to live there all my life" - Paul
Gascoigne".- Fiver

Lesbians Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

comment by bobbytheblue
posted 10 Minutes Ago

i would love to know who this 'maroon' character is ! jesus does he
like to listen to his own voice. sounds like a right space cadet who was
bullied as a child and abused by his inbred uncle.i'm sorry but you give
us gentlemen a bad name. please stop posting your utterly crap comments
and post then on the girls aloud website or something like that . twit.
I love Lesbians

Homosexuals Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Leading evolutionary scientists have claimed that Newell's
homosexuality may have been to key to our ancestors' survival. The sensational
statement, which has angered leading church figures, will doubtless fuel
the heated debate as to how exactly a small group of apes stood erect
and walked out of Africa's Rift Valley.

Butterfly Censored BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

In a Footballworld Full of Caterpillars It takes courage to be a
Butterfly !

M15 spokesperson Censored BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

M15 spokesperson Rebekah "Basher" Wade, eloquently defended the
deployment of Jordan's WMCs (Weapons of Mass Circulation): "The girl's a
national institution. Those Israeli's have targeted England's premier piece,
so we're giving them the chance to acquaint themselves with her,
particulary their coach."
"If she doesn't go back to the papparezzi for large sums of money then
the fundamentalists have won. I say let the girl concentrate on what
she does best:embedding with the enemy, undercover celebrity parties and

Tel Aviv Censored BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

"For Maccabi Tel Aviv to target Jordan would be an absolute outrage.
Katie is far too relaxed, fun loving, and above all ..err..blonde, to
become embroiled in matters of religion or politics. It's always been her
wish to bring people together, regardless of colour or creed, in
admiration of her enormous artificial udders." The loveable exhibitionist
appeared confused when facing the assembled English press: "I don't know
what's going on. I aint never done nuffin to no-one. These crazy
barstewards are just jealous of my freedom and values."

Bi-Sexuals Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

England v Holland

Ms.Givings, speaking from the Palace on the Thames confirmed she has
been hard at work creating a treble agent rating. "After a hard day on
the wards with director Stanley Kubrick who withdrew his 1971 epic
Clockwork Ornage , despite its status as an art-house classic of the genre, I
spent quite some time introducing Abi to sapphic love. I have loved
women in the past and slept with them too. I think if you love and want to
pleasure a woman, particularly if you are a woman yourself, then
certainly you know how to do things in a certain way."
Ms Givings is indeed no slouch in the girl-on-girl department. One
furry cup guru "It tends to be the case that normal lesbians or bisexual
women may not perhaps be as well endowed as Ms. Givings in the phwoaaar
department make indifferent lovers. Ms. Givings, on the other hand, can
lead a whimpering partner to a shattering climax within seconds, before
continuing to work the trembling recipient for days, if not weeks."

Blue Nose SAF BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Alex Ferguson

Alex Ferguson, Och Aye, shure he is a grand man. He is entitled to his
wee drop and hence the red nose. If you look very carefully however,
you will see that blue hue, so go on give him a Glasgow kiss.


BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

DOUBLE(standards) ALLROUND!!


The New BBC 606 has smashed the punditry world record with its stunning
wall-to-wall coverage of football, with its officially sanctioned
opinion making Pundits. The corporation had more than 2,000 pundits giving
forth on a range of topics without the slightest idea of what was
actually going on. They totalled a massive 2.7 million pundit-hours — all of
them packed with top-quality speculation. "We couldn't have done it
without Lawro," admitted an exhausted executive. "They really gave it 110
per cent. It's a fantastic day for the BBC and the licence payers."

Arsenlal Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

They however, could not guarantee, against jack Straw having his bottom
pinched during proceedings. The Camel racing is to be augmented by
another event being hosted, Camel Mud Wrestling. This event is to be hosted
on the condition that all participants, drop everything including their
infidel names such as Rafa, Peter,Stephen etc.., otherwise they will be

Gooners - Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Dealing with certain issues that had already arisen around the event,
Ms Givings stated that a sordid incident, where a group of Arab bidders
were observed sniffing the contestants was really an infidel undercover
operation. Furthermore, Jack Straw would be allowed into the Kop, on
the condition that he wear the traditional burqa to protect him from
"Mooner and Joey Barton impertinent eyes", He further, would be required to
arrive at the Emirates stadium riding a bicycle, chaperoned by eight

The Kop Banned by the BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

A Camel Racing event at the Kop, the red Hot Favourite is a camel
called, Leader, a familiar in the shape of a black camel, that possessed a
third nipple with which to suckle. Under Kop camel racing regulations,
the standard camel saddle will be dispensed with, as bare back is more
culturally acceptable to the Liverpool faithfull and they would probably
go missing anyway.

Sheva - BBC Banned

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

When asked about the new decor, of the press room at the Kop, she
replied, that the inamorato Group with similarly serious money, had donated
a much cherished five-finger art deco sapphire and diamond studded
alabaster fisting dildo, which was given to her as an 18th birthday
Ms. Givings also confirmed that she would be the next Chairperson of
the F.A., despite objections from Mourinho and Graham 3 card
Poll.Al-Jazeera sports journalist, M'kaida declined to accept, one of her Camel
dung cigars as a parting gesture, stating in principle that Havanna was
his preferred choice but relented when reminded of the in Fidel embargo.

Ronaldo textastic BBC censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Now, I may not have a young person's street savvies but I am "hip"
enough to know when something is not all it seems. Dragging the bow-legged
minx from her chair and towards the ladies, and a distant "I'll be
there for yoo-ooo...Many Yooo..", I was able to elicit that Tiara had
indeed switched her phone to "vibrate", inserted it and called Ronaldo
asking him to phone her and let it ring for ten minutes. I might add, that
Jose's photo is on the wall

Beckam Banned BBC censorship

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

"They seemed so close," said a one-time close personal friend known
only as Gary and whose feet closely resembles a bag of spanners. This
observation was confirmed by his even wayward brother Phil, who added: "We
thought they'd always be together. David was always kissing the badge
and it looked like he had bonded to his life partner."

Beckham BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

But despite regularly pledging his ever-lasting fidelity to Man Yoo at
the time, Beckham soon began secret liaisons with foreign looker who
went by the name of Royal from Spain who he met sleazy nightclub called

"There was an instant attraction," explained a woman called Rebecca
Loos who witnessed the clandestine meetings first-hand while working as
the club's secretary. "I knew that David and Royal were meant for each

Ronaldo to Chelsea BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

"It's a big step up to, go to Chelsea. I detested being at the Devil
Bowl and nobody speaks Portugese but to be honest, there isn't much
competition for my place in the side. I figure that it is better to have to
battle to play and that's why I am moving. It should be good for me."

Man Utd 3-1 Man City BBC Censorhip

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Man Utd 3-1 Man City

Although Beckham continued to live with Man Yoo for several months
after first meeting the Spanish strumpet, he carried on his secret
dalliance with Royal from afar sending secret sweet-nothings such as: "Pay me a
hundred grand a week plus image rights and we'll shack up together."

"This behaviour was highly unwise," said a certain Dr. Who. "At the
same time he was living with Many Yoo he also was having unprotected text
with someone else. This as the Doctor said earlier was also a recipe
for disease and disaster."

Fiver , Guardian, BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Subject:Mandarin, Coarse Anglo-SaxonContent:guideFLIES NEVER VISIT AN EGG THAT HAS NO CRACKLiving as they do under an authoritarian and notoriously censoriousregime, Chinese citizens have long been fed a steady diet ofpropaganda. But as if being subjected to the particular doctrines andprinciples of an evil Communist Party isn't bad enough, the lives of1,306,313,812 people are about to get a whole lot worse now it'semerged that Chelsea are to produce a Mandarin-language website in amove to build the "club's brand" in the Far East."Clearly we are becoming more popular and this is the right time totake that to the next level," droned the club's business affairsdirector Paul Smith, suggesting the Premiership champions are theobject of far less derision in China than they are at home. "The realwinners of this co-operation are the fans themselves who will nowhave far easier access to the world of football," declared CharlesChao, chief executive of Chinese internet portal Sina, no doubtreferring to fans whose only previous access to the world of footballinvolved long hours in the sweatshop sewing footballs and replicashirts.And in the day's other sensational news, Valencia president Juan Solerhas said his club doesn't want to sell Spain striker David Villa,while Chelsea have confirmed they don't want to buy him. "Officiallywe have not received any interest or an offer from Chelsea forVilla," he told reporters this morning, to which Chelsea's sportingdirector Frank Arnesen replied: "I don't know anything." With Villa'sbuy-out clause set at GBP100m, expect this one to limp and limp.

Lawro is Nuckin Futs ! BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

The longer Lawro appears in New BBC 606, the less information you actually receive.Dear Joey Barton : Qui bien aime, tard oublie (He who loves truly, forgets not easily). That is a quotation from Liverpool's Parliament of Fowler which, I'm sure you'll find, will come in handy on this and many other occasions. Can you ask Robbie, on his return to planet earth, who will win the nest Villa match, I need his opinion, in time for the next Villa match. I told McLaren, to reserve a spot, on the England team for you. Joey word of advice, no mooning on international duty.I hope this has been of some help to you.Warm regards,Mark Lawrenson

Martin and Randy BBC Banned

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Martin and RandyPosting:Dr Dolittle re-make, comes alive for a whole new generation of kids. Dr Dolittle's parrot is to make way for a budgie called Doris voiced by Madonna. And making his debut in this version will also be Jeffrey the eagle, who suffers from motor neurone disease and is being voiced by the late Archduke Francis Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary.The doctor's sidekick, Fanny Sunesson, will be played by a digitally created version of Nick Faldo's real-life caddy Fanny Sunesson, who parted ways with the golfer aometime ago. It is rumoured that arguments over her fee for the movie was what was behind the break-up of the 10-year partnership.Plot details are being kept top-secret but the New BBC comissioned film crew did admit that at one point the doctor is called upon to demonstrate his remarkable footie skills. An insider, who saw the scene in question being filmed, said: "It is hilarious."Hollywood wideboy Eddie Murphy rudely interrupted the story and said: "Hey! I've already done a remake of Dr Dolittle – in fact I also did a sequel called Dr.2, which did very well at the box office." We asked him to leave, which he very politely did.

Help me! BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Help me!Posting:So what I am about to say is about as socially acceptable as riding a goat in front a packed rush-hour train. Never have, never will. Don't like the idea at all. No way, Jose.I would not deny the potential of the menage-a-trois, but there is a world of difference between the gentle soft-focus explorings of genteel realities of drinking from the cup whilst being raided from behind.That's not to say that many women might not derive great results from the diamond formation. Many girlfriends have described the experience as "transcendental", or even "quite enjoyable". It's interesting to note that every one of these women is Catholic. It's as if they have some genetic predilection for the forbidden. After all, what's the point of turning up at confession if you don't have something worth confessing?But to we Protestants, its like Iceland: you go there because someone told you'd like the locals, only to find that there are too many for a truly satisfying strike. Indeed, there are many places far more hospitable. What on earth is wrong with lying back on the bed and thinking of England while your partner watches Villa. ;)

Martin and Randy BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Subject:Martin and RandyPosting:Commenting on Joey Barton's expose at Everton, professional pundit and part-time supermodel Mark Lawrenson spoke to reporters outside a wine bar in Soho's Wardour Street. "This brings a whole new angle to the expression 'in his locker'," sneered Lawrenson who seems contractually obligated by the BBC to mention footballer's lockers as many times as possible in the 2006-2007 season. "Ray Stubbs and I were saying just the other day, that Joe Cole was playing like a cad and based on video footage I've seen of him and big John Terry I can confirm it's the closest either of them will get to a gentleman's club in Soho square. ." laughed Lawrenson of the two Londoners. "We have recommended Joey to Steve as excellent *'ballstaff' material"*'See Urban Dictionary' if you want to be a Supermodel.This e-mail, and any attachment, is confidential. If you have receivedit in error, please delete it from your system, do not use or disclosethe information in any way, and notify us immediately. The contents ofthis message may contain personal views which are not the views of theBBC, unless specifically stated.

Maroon in China BBC Censored

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Maroon in ChinaPosting:Hoo Flung Dung of Pot Noodle F.C today confirmed the rejection of a hostile bid, by Beavis and Butthead Inc. on the basis that regulatory authorities would not allow it.Meanwhile the managing director of a British company has declared China a "shining beacon of democracy". Ronald Suit, 51, made the statement shortly after signing a £5 Billion export contract with the Beijing authorities. Mr Suit's company, Tilbury Injection Mouldings, will supply 20,000 plastic covers for tank gun barrels."It's a great day for us, and a great day for Tilbury," gushed Suit. "This will safeguard jobs for the next five years."The British government has applauded the company, "Now that we're united with Beijing in the War on Terror™," noted one minister, "there are lucrative contracts to be won in the burgeoning far-eastern market."Mr Suit and the government have said that they are "entirely satisfied" with China's human rights record."Yeah, I heard the record. It's great," enthused Suit. "I'd rather my kids listened to that than some of this so-called 'dance music'." When asked if he had not perhaps misunderstood the question, Suit replied: "No, I've got all of the Human Rights' albums. It's good family entertainment."When further challenged as to whether he was acquainted with Tiananmen Square, Suit seemed confused: "Never heard of it mate. It's not a refreshing blend of vodka and Red Bull, is it?"But on the subject of Tibet, Mr Suit seemed more sure of his facts: "Oh yes, that's the place where that the Daily Llama and his mates terrorised the population for years until the Chinese went in and liberated the place. Good job too."This communique was cleared by the 31,000 internet police in China. Hopefully it makes it past the other side.

Maroon in China BBC Banned

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Maroon in ChinaPosting:With the imminent approach of Many Yoo, Beavis & Butthead to Villa Park its important to remember, American football clubs, with their easy-flush and sani-flow approaches to waste disposal, represents everything they hate about modern football life - maximum comfort with minimum effort.Millions of plastic stickers will be dispersed free by hedgehogs featuring a variety of slogans: "Don't be a chump: check before you dump"; "Be sweet and sweep the seat" "Have you got a buttwasher buddy" and others.Villains are urged to immediately report to the police any fans seen behaving peculiarly near public toilets. Arsenal fans are said to be furious. Meanwhile, sales of Stars and Stripes toilet seat adapters for rubbish bins have rocketed at the Devil Bowl.

Mourinho is a Joker Banned BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Subject:Mourinho is a jokerPosting:This sentiment was echoed by the west coast branch of the Glazer clan. "As long as Uncle Mal's been in business he's been about providing a good quality product at prices that ordinary folk want. Who wants a hundred dollar shirt made out of Cambodian polyester or a stuffed cuddly toy with the name 'Looney' on it — whoever he is?" bellowed an angry relative who refused to give his name after exiting the Glazer Family Foundation HQ in Zinfandel, CA.

Mourinho is a Joker Banned

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Subject:Mourinho is a jokerPosting:Speaking from his house near Goodison Park, one visibly-shaken victim of Mourinho's euphoria addressed the scuffling press pack from a prepared statement written on Ambulance Chasers Direct headed notepaper. "It had been a lovely family occasion, me and the kids had had a happy time giving our opponents credit where credit was due as well as cheering the Toffees on in a non-threatening manner," asserted the ashen-faced Evertonian, before pausing to wipe away a dribble of alco-pop from the corner of his mouth.Then, overwhelmed by the memory of the traumatic events, he continued: "I've have never, ever in my born days seen anything like it at a football match. A Grown man hurling abuse at innocent football fans unable to defend themselves — and by that I mean we were just out of gobbing range, sadly. I've been off work for a week. It's me nerves. The doctor says I'll never walk alone, sorry, again.A friend sitting next to him agreed: "Money can't compensate for the hurt we suffered, but it will certainly be a start, won't it?"

Urban Slang

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

You only know where the edge is.... after you've gone over itI have always been crazy.... but it kept me from going insane!It is mind over matter,.. if you ain't got no mind - it don't matterCows come and go..... but bull lasts forevertried being normal once, I didn't like itInsanity; a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane worldI don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problemIf you don't like my attitude, quit talking to meI don't suffer from insanity.... I enjoy every minute of itWords are coming out that don't even enter my brainIf you can't stand the heat don't tickle the dragonThose of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who doDeja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull beforeNormal people make good petsPeople like you ...People like you are the reason people like me need medication.Sanity is nice but...Sanity is nice but I wouldn't want to live thereEveryone seems normal.... until you get to know themI'm objective, I object to everythingIt's people like you who make the Internet impossible to trustdon't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any differenceIf only closed minds came with closed mouthsYou have the right.... to remain stupid, anything you say can and will be ignoreddawg, fng,Ezzaculate,Ezyrider,F - Bomb,F an A,F Shake,F that S,f u,F'd in tha Bm,f'cough,A baboonaphile,A Basket Full of Fuzzy Kittens,a bit on the side,b fuggly,B'Administration,b'otch,B-Stain,B.Odorant,B1sGuSt1nG,ba'scuse me,bordelloBabalicious,babblebox,babtard,back door action,Back office monkey,Back Yonder,bacon bonce,Badassador,badassitude,Badreligion,Bag of snakes,ballacious ,ballcuzii,ballscratcher,Balzheimer's disease,bangtastic,Banninated,barstewerd,Basticated,
P3N15 P3N15,behooves,behooving,bejaysus,belignorant,Biatchlorette,bibiche,bichastard,
Biggus Dickus

14 up, 3 down

Pontius Pilate's fwiend from Wome in The Life of Brian. Biggus Dickus has a wife named Incontinentia Buttoxbirdturd,biznazz,bleufus,bleugh,bleurgh,bleurh,bluetard,Blullible,bollocknaise,bordello,borg assimilator,Born Again Virgin,bourgeois bulldozer,Cabazza, cackgabbler,cacophagy,bout to swang them thangs,bow down,BOWCHICKABOWBOW,boweenesshead,boxmuncher,Brazilian caviar,Brazilian Massage,Brazillian Craques,breasticles,Brothel Sprouts,brownnose,bszr,

Sunday, 17 December 2006

BBC Censorship Greater than Chinahttp://marooncensored.blogspot.com/

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

They say less is more. In the interest of Brevity, let me put it this way. If you enter the term BBC Censorship into say Google search engine, you will find more censorhip in Britain than China. Check it out. Has Britain become a fascist state.

BBC Censored Football Article 2

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

Even in Football its difficult be yourself these days.In urbanised, politically sanitised, censorised Britain. You know a lot of people gave their lives because, they burned books in Munich. Ordinary people from my experience have a way of naturally expressing themselves, which is a natural freedom and the choice to observe or listen, I believe, is with the participants. It is not, in this day and age appropriate, for some self-appointed authority to judge, what section of society is allowed this natural right. Common sense, a commodity in rare currency nowadays can veto the obvious.Many times on these Boards I observe a 50% censorship of headings in these boards. This is obvious censorship. I believe that anyone attending a football match or visits a football board have a fair chance of experiencing rough language. This is a healthy outlet of society, for the naturalagression that humans were given at birth, to be expressed in a realtively harmless way. In the meantime to continue my right to be myself, not a BBC clone I will have to be creative with the words, I will invent to express myself, I hope, still in English..

BBC Censored Football Article

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

This article is about how the BBC moderator uses the laws of 'correct' language to make lives hard for the working class. While this happens everywhere, it's done from a British perspective. People in New Zealand and Australia probably won't need to make many changes - people in the US and non-English speaking countries will. Also, it has a reference to collecting 200 pounds, which people outside Britain will need to change to local currency. 'Breaking the laws of language' Why will most people never be 'suitable' for reading the news? A guide to the workings of the grammar police. Careful what you say, the language police are just around the corner. Don't let them catch you saying that. You'll be in trouble, that's not proper English. OK, you won't get a fine or sent to jail, but they'll try to stop you passing GO and collecting your 200 pounds. It's done very subtly, by making people feel self-conscious and inadequate about their language. And then they start to mumble, and are seen but not heard. games grammar police play Can I have another biscuit? You've got hands, so it's physically possible. Uh? I didn't do nothing. Ah, so you mean you did do something? No! What's odd about these cases is not the language of the first speaker, but the reaction of the second. The message was understood perfectly well. What sort of language user is deliberately awkward, slows down the whole business, and makes the other person feel uneasy or embarrassed? Someone who hasn't grasped what language is for. Not a linguist, certainly, but a pedantic parent or moderator for The BBC, or someone aspiring to these groups. If we wanted to be pedantic (and it's a good laugh to take them on at their own game) we could direct them to the philosopher of language, JL. Austin and his Speech Act Theory. Like all the best theories, it was a brilliant flash of common sense. Although we can often work out the sense of words in isolation; as a social act, language can often have a different force once it's used in context. 'That's right, just dump your dirty clothes all over the floor.' On the surface, this looks like a congratulation plus a command. But even a child can work out what the speaker actually means. So why does this co-operative principle break down, once a child is speaking to an adult? Power and status. It's a bit like turning clothing from a practical and personal issue into a power game, dictating who must wear a tie round their neck, where and when.(Only men, with suits, but not in bed as a sexual aid, that's the advice.) the nonsense of language laws 'You can't begin a sentence with 'but''. But, I just have! There's a bit of nonsense for you, saying 'You can't' when you clearly can. Challenge the language pedants, and they rely on two authorities: Latin and Maths. 'To boldly go where no man has been before.' Don't split an infinitive. You couldn't in Latin, because it was a single word with an ending. But in English it's two words 'to go', so there is clearly an option of putting another word in the middle. (There was a more pressing complaint about the Star Trek slogan - Women went there too). Two negatives make a positive. That's how it works in Maths. So, all languages work in exactly the same way and they work like Maths? Plenty of languages use double negatives: 'No hace? nada'- I didn't do nothing. We all know that repetition is a way of emphasising a point. who gets picked up on suspicion? Repetition is a no no- when it suits them. 'I can't stand it, me.' is ignorant repetition; 'I, myself, think...' is right posh. 'More nicer' and 'most biggest' are wrong, but Shakespeare was the greatest English writer, so inventive and expressive in quoted lines like 'More nearer' (Hamlet) 'This was the most unkindest cut of all' (Julius Caesar). Whether something is right or wrong depends on the status of the person, and it helps if they've been dead for sometime. top-down or bottom-up? The fallacy is to have a 'top-down' view of language. Language was not devised by one person, like a game, and it doesn't have rules like a game. The inventor of Snakes and Ladders thought it up and dictates the rules- it only works if everyone accepts that you go up ladders and down snakes. There isn't even an elected governing body for language, like FIFA for football. Language is NOT A GAME, with a Great Inventor in the Sky. Try a 'bottom-up' view instead. Languages evolve gradually through contact between groups of people, who need to find a way of communicating. There can only be communication if people share agreed ways of expressing meaning. The notion of a private language is so odd-if a person has their own unique expression that no-one else recognises, it can't be a 'language'. Children have no status. When they say 'Don't giggle me.' it's a mistake- you can't use a noun as a verb. Oh, unless you're a businessman and want to 'table a motion' or 'chair a meeting'. Advertising copywriters are a bit naughty about the rules of language too: 'You've been Tangoed' but, well, they're making loads of money, so we'll put up with their funny ways. And it might be useful to have a few of their catchy political slogans. Poets? 'a grief ago'. A bit mad, some of them on drugs, but we'll make an exception for culture. And we could turn it into exam fodder. Humour? Again, it's probably best to stick with the death test. 'Fox hunting is the pursuit of the inedible by the unspeakable.' Oscar Wilde has been dead so long now, we can even overlook his sexual preferences. Foreign speakers saying things like 'I burst myself into tears'? Come on, it's not their language! The cliche is 'burst into tears'. Interesting, though, how the new phrasing adds power to the image. pushing together or pulling apart? The way that languages develop is a delicate balance between two powerful tendencies. Pushing in one direction is the need to conform with existing conventions. The most obvious is the way infants absorb the language they hear and experiment with those sounds to find ways to communicate. Anyone plunged into another language environment has to try to pick up a different set of ways to express themselves. (Up to now, we have demanded that other peoples pick up our English language- a sort of invasion and colonisation by language.) But this need to adapt happens for adult speakers in our home environment- apart from all the different languages spoken in England, there are so many varieties of English. Yes, they are referred to, in a derogatory way, as dialects- the dialects of different regions and classes and ages- but they survive because they work. The fact that they have little status needs to be challenged. 'A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.' All languages adapt and change because of contact between people. The more contact, the more pressure to change. That doesn't mean that we immediately take on every style of language we come across. Language is a badge of identity. Some people want to maintain an identity that is distinct and make very little shift in their style of speech; others want to be taken as part of that group. We balance a need to fit in, with a need to remain individual. Every person's language is as unique as their fingerprints. You cannot pin a language down in a dictionary or grammar book and say 'That IS THE English language.' Such books are a snapshot of the language, out of date from the moment they are written. Pulling in the other direction is the need to stretch the language, so that new things can be expressed in different ways. Each new generation learns the habits of the old and moves on. Nothing stays exactly the same and it's the emerging generation that makes the changes: hairstyles, architecture, music. And of course some people tut- is it nostalgia, need for stability, weariness? Whatever, it's the conservatism of age. Pre-fabricated chunks of language, cliches- we need them for practical reasons, like lack of time; we can't re- invent the wheel every time we open our mouths. But someone has got to start adapting the wheel or inventing new ways of travel. Those who resist changes in a living language should have better reasons than: 'That's not the way I was taught when I was a child.' What about good reasons like: 'It's dishonest to use euphemisms to mask the realities of warfare.' 'That's so longwinded and pompous, you're not getting your point across.' If there IS a law of language, it is that it should be used as a skilful tool for communication. Only complain if it doesn't work. People who invent other laws are using language as a loaded weapon and they are pointing it at people who have already had their voices stifled.

BBC Censorship

For several Years the BBC World Service had a community of several thousand football fans, who chatted among themselves about football. To these fans it is called the Beautiful Game, an International game, where people compete, banter, use colourful language to celebrate a peaceful rivalry played out all over the World and once every 4 years as the World Cup.

Most of these fans chatted long and hard in the tradition of colourul working class language, with a passion and emotion, that was tradition of more than a hundred years. Their loves and hates played out often in a healthy harmless rant form. This tradition often stemmed from more than a hundred years of factory workers, mine workers etc. escaping the hard blck and white grind of daily life in an escape every week, where the paid their hard earned money to support their local clubs in a celebration of football passion that was healthy outlet often in rant form..

Most of these fans also pay every year a hefty license to finance the British Broadcasting Corporation, which they must do if they own a TV. This is obligatory and the alternative is prison, whether the watch the BBC or not.

In 2006 against the wishes of the vast majority of these fans, the BBC disbanded this community of BBC 606 chatters. Despite considerable protest and pleadings the community was destroyed. They as a sop set up an alternative new BBC 606, controlled by BBC hand picked professional pundits and created a format where the traditional chat ceased.

The traditional 606 chat format, enabled spontanious, emotional chat where foorball relationships developed, where spelling or education was not the issue, simply football.

At this time, the BBC censored up to half the contributions made to its 606 foorball boards and continues to carry out this censorhip irrespective of its paying clients wishes. Meantime the large International Corporate Interests started to colonize the game and the advertizing revenues and vast money's involved ran side by side with this sanitized image of a basically working class international game.

This blog will be a record of ongoing contributions Censored by the BBC World Service and the contributions of any football lover is welcome.

I am A fan of Aston Villa football Club one of the Greatest football clubs in the World. Up the Villa ! My name is Maroon. There are no spelling checks or editing carried out on this blog in the interests of spontaneity. Its not about being clever, its just good honest human emotion, round the game. To me all rant is valid without the haters, racism, sexism or violence.
Strong language is natural and healthy, bottom line no Violence or incitement to Violence. Settle it on the pitch. Love Maroon