eating, drinking, skiing, shagging Banned by BBC

BBC,Censorship,Football,Beautiful Game,

There are those who would claim that our beloved land is tonight under
the threat from a wave of Puritanism so virulent that it is nothing
short of a fatwa, or even a jihad, possibly. At the very least it's a mini
Crusade: a sort of long weekend break of a Holy War but without Richard
the Lionheart.

This crusade of which we speak is, of course, the increasing tendency
towards non-smoking, which — at its most fanatical — leans towards a
literal anti-smoking interpretation of non-smoking. Ireland has fallen,
the panic-mongers say, and it can only be a matter of time before beloved
Albion also succumbs to an age of darkness and despair.

Perhaps you are among those who are reduced to tears by the thought of
the smokeless celidh, the nicotine-free craic and the Dublin theme bar
deserted save a few disconsolate members of the Salvation Army, supping
white cranberry juice and half-heartedly shaking their tambourines.

Perhaps you are, but have you ever thought about the human cost of
smoking? The 5,000 innocent lives snuffed out each and every year by other
peoples' second-hand toxins?

The anti-smoking lobby tell us that one of these innocent souls dies in
agony every 11 minutes. We'll take their word for that if they take our
word that every 11.2 minutes someone, somewhere, is killed on a
bicycle. Co-incidence? We think not.

While we agree that the terrible human cost of smoking must be
addressed, we at the same time demand that all risks to our kiddies' futures be
treated equally seriously.

One fervent public health spokescrusader who we didn't actually contact
but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting loudly through
the letterbox confirmed that smoking-related diseases will in future be
treated at the smoker's own expense. That sounds fair enough to us. Why
should the non-smoker pay? After all, do smokers pay extra tax to
inflict their filthy habit on the rest of us? No.

Ask yourself this: Do kiddie-fiddlers get free board and lodging and
psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't. Making
fag addicts stump up in cash, in advance, for cancer treatment is
exactly the sort of hands-on, direct action that New Beeb 606 like. And while
we're about it, let's extend this punitive plan. Fat people would be a
good start. We know that the obese deliberately stuff themselves with
crisps, chips, chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas so that
they can get themselves a fast-track, heart-attack driven passport to
intensive care easy street. Let the fat barstewards pay for their own
coronary bypasses.

Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin men
like me a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't you fat, ugly women
stop filling your faces with fish suppers and get some bloody exercise? Or
try walking the rug-rats to school instead of driving them there in
your smelly, diesel MPVs? Better still, jog to school and smoke a couple
of fags on the way. That should shed a few pounds.

On the other hand, we were told that jogging can cause knee and ankle
problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious pavement pounders
should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves. Dangerous sports are
another area long overdue for legislation. Why should you or I pay for
a hip replacement for some rich stockbroker who's fallen base over apex
in a Piste-related accident in Klosters? According to a recent survey
conducted by the Fitter Britain Association, sports-related injuries
cost the UK £106,437,000 every year and result in roughly 129,437.28
hospital admissions every week. Js,s H. Chris. And they expect us to pay for
that?

After kicking the sports fraternity into touch,with New Beeb 606, we
suggest the Government tackles the thorny problem of history. It's
criminally irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to appear
in books. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank
huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised.
And we call this a national hero? Is this any kind of example to be
setting our kids? No, it isn't, so it's out with the airbrush for Winnie and
enter stage right health-conscious Aryan Adolf Hitler. We can think of
no better example of responsible and considerate behaviour than the
slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian with his legendary love of animals.
His personal habits should be an example to us all and his life a
reminder of what a truly healthy lifestyle can achieve. Remember: Adolf
Hitler didn't smoke.

But perhaps the worst example of inconsiderate, self-destructive
behaviour that threatens the health of our nation is the increasing number of
middle-aged men suffering heart attacks during the monthly execution of
their conjugal rights. This must be looked at urgently. If it's not
distasteful enough the idea of lard-arsenil proto-wrinklies poking their
shrivelled wives, think about the poor paramedics who have to go in a
clear up the mess. And, once again, it's us who foot the bill.

Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue; the
skin cancer risk is simply too great. The list goes on, but to
summarise, just imagine this: a middle-aged fat bloke enjoying a drunken
post-coital cigar whilst skiing naked down a sun-kissed piste en route to a
tour of the lard factory. Had enough? Us too — it makes our blood boil.

Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our citizens
might run into some resistance, but we are confident that — just as the
appointment of a drugs "czar" several years back has practically wiped
out the use of illegal substances — persuading the nation to
voluntarily give up smoking, eating, drinking, skiing, sunbathing,chatting on
606, and sex should not prove insurmountable. Especially when backed by
legislation, fines and imprisonment. Forward with Britain.


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