Big Brother Censored by BBC

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Posting:
ID card vote on New BBC 606 is victory for democracy and the British
way of life
We salute Chris Russels's campaign for a safer, nicer Board

It is with great pleasure then that we celebrate last week's historic
victory in which Chris Russell scraped a 31-vote majority in the face of
a shameful back-bench revolt which looked at one point to be about to
open the floodgates to millions of swan-roasting, dole-scrounging chavs
and scousers hell bent on bringing Albion to its knees.

Mercifully, it now seems that we will soon be able to sleep sounder in
our beds thanks to New BBC 606's relentless campaign to secure another
1000 years of democracy. And for those who think that a couple of quid
is too much to pay for the kind of peace of mind only an identity card
and TV licence can bring, we asked clairvoyant How Tenji to don his
gypsy rags, polish his enormous glass balls and provide some evidence that
only those with something to hide have anything to fear from Chris
Russel and New BBC 606.

The following is Tenji's premonition of an average Thursday afternoon
in his own life when the last citizens of this great nation not carrying
a shiny new ID card and Tv licence are a few dozen malodorous crusties
leading dogs on string and hanging around Scottish hotels whining about
world poverty. Read on:

[Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...]

How Tenji: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using
your new identity card?
HT: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Mr. Tenji... Is
this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
HT: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jaysus that wasn't
cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August
— that's something to look forward to. Bloody hell, that Magistrate
really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership
of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or
twelve?
HT: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
HT: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
HT: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One
Card?
HT: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in
Liverpool at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for
you there mate. Try the Switch card.
HT: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction.
Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you
going to pay that too?
HT: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two
weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good
choice.
HT: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out
of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due
out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.


Tesco checkout
How Tenji: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any
current health problems?
HT: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
HT: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
HT: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that
wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats
that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around,
though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of How Tenji's
hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop,
accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not
keen on Communists?
HT: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic
predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I
understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

At the Bank
How Tenji: Hello, I’d like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
HT: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while
ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it
will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
HT: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right… Mr Tenji… How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
HT: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
HT: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us
but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm...
Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your
Barclaycard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the television licence
a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a
very good risk to me, sir.
HT: Hang on. The Capital One Card is nothing to do with me. That's some
bloke buying DVD players in Liverpool.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, sir.
HT: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
HT: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid
off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
HT: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this
morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
HT: Every bogger else seems to know about it; why didn't Capital One do
something?
BC: Steady sir, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go
round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh crikey, I
see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you
for misuse of your Capital One card. Would you like a quote for that?

Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]

Travelling salesman: Mr Tenji? I am Terry Venerables the local
distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Mr Tenji, I'm
Chris Russell of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our
records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd
just sign here I can offer you £5,000 right now at just 1,375,893
monthly repayments of £11.37.
Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we
have a word Mr Tenji? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post
Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member
of the Young Communist party and you have being posting scurrilous posts
on New BBC 606. I have to caution you that under section 12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll
all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Mr Tenji, those are clearing up
nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?